From Fear to Faith … I’m in the Top 10 for an iHeart Radio podcast!
Sometimes life reminds you of a lost dream — like a child poking you from behind saying, “psst, remember me?” When I was asked to participate in the Top Host competition to win an iHeart Radio podcast, it gave me pause. I could hear my inner muse whispering, “Ooh yeah.” And then after that recognition, I thought, “and I’ll do it differently this time.” No more crime reporting … Health, Wellness, Manifestation & Longevity news only.
See, I started my journalism career moons ago in radio—with WUGA public radio (affiliated with the University of Georgia, my alma mater). My five-minute show aired once a week, just after the national PBS show “All Things Considered.” My little local show focussed on law, crime, and politics. (I also covered law & crime for The Red & Black (daily student newspaper). The radio show allowed me to interview supreme court justices, law professors, and politicians who spoke at the University of Georgia’s Dean Rusk Center for Policy Research. (I even got to interview former Secretary of State, Dean Rusk at his home. Our hour long chat, I’ll never forget, as he admitted regret for his career in politics and advised me to never date a politician!) Before my first live show taping, the head of WUGA gave me advice to deepen my voice (“try to sound like Demi Moore” - I kid you not) and to talk slower, breathe, listen, and to remember that each guest was once a student my age.
I wanted to understand why so much violence against young women was pushed under the rug, dismissed, or blamed on the victim. And I desperately needed TO DO something about my dissociation, sadness, fear, survivor grief, and budding anxiety over the murder of my dear friend and cheer/dance partner, and how by sheer luck, I was still alive.
It was good advice and remarkably, for a sophomore in college, I was taken seriously by most of my esteemed guests. I recall someone at the station saying I was an “old soul.” And that may be true. But likely, he was sensing my disillusionment with life and an “old soul” weary, nearly cynical outlook. While I didn’t know it at the time, I was dealing with PTSD, dissociation, and survivor guilt. A murder trial was going on in my home town during my freshman year that I just didn’t participate in, even though I was a main witness during my senior year of high school. And I also ignored producers from HBO who created a special called “Why Did Johnny Kill?” (which I never watched until today in order to link it). Some of my friends agreed to be in it, yet I refused to answer or return calls - same with the trial. It wasn’t that I didn’t care deeply about my dear friend who was murdered—it was that I didn’t understand how I was not killed, and she was. Survivor grief is real and I didn’t feel deserving to still be on earth if she was gone. I should have protected her on that fateful day (that was how I thought unconsciously about it) and being at the trial or crying on TV wouldn’t bring her back. I wanted TO DO something that would matter—that would mean my life would count for something. So, I gave up dancing, even though I loved dancing in the Miss North Carolina contest (as a professional dancer, not a contestant!). I also gave up cheering. After one practice with the UGA squad, I just didn’t return. The idea of being in front of a huge audience again, made me nauseas and frozen with fear. I had PTSD, but didn’t know it. The boy who killed my dear friend and long-time cheer partner—the person who literally lifted me up and threw me in the air for nearly three years—was hard to bear. Plus, this boy and his buddy snapped pictures of the two of us for nearly three years. When he killed my friend, I was supposed to be with her. After our cheer practice, we were both expected to stay with our anatomy teacher as punishment for being late for his class. Norma forgot and I should have reminded her. Instead, she walked alone to the parking lot and was shot multiple times while sitting in her car parked beside mine. By the time I ran out there, it was too late. … I ran to her house to tell her parents and I’ll never forget the way they looked at me - as if they knew the minute I stepped into their house - and I felt horrible that I was still alive and their sweet daughter wasn’t. Plus, the note from this disturbed boy said he joyfully killed her and wanted to kill all women like her. His best buddy was still out there, so I figured he felt the same way.
I went numb and ignored everything after that. I nearly didn’t go to college. A few weeks later I went in to take the SAT and my dear friend’s name was still on the empty chair next to mine - as our last names both started with R. Naturally, I began to shake and didn’t finish my test. My parents were dealing with their own issues, so I just didn’t apply to colleges and I don’t think they noticed. On a whim, I skipped school and drove down to Athens, Georgia, because one of my oldest friends was going to go there. I walked into the admissions office and asked if I could attend school next year. When they heard my story, the admissions counselor said yes, on the condition that I visited him once a month.
From there, I hid behind journalism that didn’t require me to be in front of an audience, yet still allowed me to ask the big questions that plagued me. I wanted to understand why so much violence against young women was pushed under the rug, dismissed, or blamed on the victim. And I desperately needed TO DO something about my dissociation, sadness, fear, survivor grief, and budding anxiety over the murder of my dear friend and cheer/dance partner, and how by sheer luck, I was still alive.
I wanted to help shape policy that protected women from stalkers. I wanted college campuses to put in lights, emergency phone poles and more security. (UGA did this while I was there after our many articles about a student who was attacked.) I just went on a rampage of asking questions and drinking lots of coffee and working full-time while I was a student. I garnered many opportunities while still in college too - such as a job offer with newspapers, an internship with BBC/London Times that was amazing, and even a job offer with a local TV station that I turned down after a man who worked there hit on me…But he did me a favor, as I wasn’t yet able to be in the public eye and not have severe fear and anxiety. Newspapers and radio allowed me to hide my face, ask questions about topics that circulated around my pain. But that was then, and in today’s world, everything is online and in the public eye. What I’ve learned is that you can’t hide from your fear, you just breathe and move through it one day at a time.
Writing is my Life * Yoga Saved It.
After reporting on crime and politics for North Carolina and Maryland newspapers, I was accepted into an MFA program in New York as I had written a psychological murder mystery. During my period in the Big Apple, I worked on Wall Street and went to school at night. I secured a publishing deal that was amazing, then it fell apart when the CEO of the pub house had a massive heart attack. So I moved to Atlanta and edited a business magazine. I only transitioned into health and parenting when I was pregnant, as I didn’t have time to read the pregnancy books! I worked at Fit Pregnancy magazine for years … slowly moving away from negativity and into health and wellness…
What I’ve learned in my later years is that you get what you think about. In that manner, you do create your life, even the dark moments—as the fear you focus on, begins to focus on you. And over the years, I’ve had a few stalkers and dangerous situations. But I own that I attracted these through my inability to heal. To be fair, yoga and meditation and therapy just weren’t things back then. And no one in my life was in that arena - they were mostly stressed, deadline-driven, smart, type A achievers who also drank lots of coffee and alcohol. My only outlet to relaxation or connection to a higher self was when I journaled or wrote fiction that rang with truth.
How Hardships Trigger Transformation
When I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, the rheumatologist suggested I meditate, try yoga, and acupuncture. That was in 2004 when living in London and working as a Parenting & Pregnancy Editor. So, I bought Yoga for Dummies and did it every day. I still ran with my dog (duh) but I also did a relaxing yoga class at home. Later, I began a 21 day meditation challenge. I slowed down on alcohol consumption and began weekly acupuncture. Within two years, I went from having discoid rashes, stress, and no periods, to feeling calmer, more clear, trusting, and voila, I became pregnant! That began my journey from fear to faith. There is so much more to say, but not here - you’ll have to listen to my podcast!
And speaking of that… it’s a long journey to become the iHeart Radio winner on Dec. 10. But you can always program your phone alerts so you can easily vote for free daily :). Vote for me HERE.
BTW, I was asked by an iHeart Radio producer who my top dream guests are for my podcast.
After much thought, they are:
Tom Cruise - I mean how does he do all his own stunts?! Does he age? What is his fitness & diet regimen? Does he focus and meditate before attempting so many rigorous stunts? Is he ever afraid?
LeBron James - Does he visualize the win before games? How does he get into that flow where he knows he’s got it. What’s that like? Also, what is with the scary faces and postures he makes during the game? Is it to psych himself up or to scare others or both?
Lily Allen - The British singer endured a terrifying seven-year stalking ordeal that ended with the disturbed man in her bedroom with her children present. She outlines the horrific ordeal in her memoir My Thoughts Exactly. What advice does she have for women in similar situations? How has she healed from the trauma?
Joe Manganiello - the actor famous for True Blood & Modern Family, has fought a seven-year battle with a mysterious autoimmune disease that nearly killed him. He also went through a divorce. How did he find the courage to keep going when Drs. couldn’t discern the disease? How did he lower stress and focus on health? What are his fitness, meditation, diet routines? How does he stay calm, centered, relaxed, positive today?
Thoughts? Chime in. Who would you want to hear me intervew?
Thank you for your support!!
Love,
Laura x